i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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