mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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