So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
