i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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