You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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