Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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