So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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