I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
