hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
