Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
