dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
