3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
