At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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