Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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