At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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