I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
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