Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
