Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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