i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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