just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
