After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
