Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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