He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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