worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
