i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dignity is for republicans.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
