I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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