you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
