Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
