Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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