Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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