I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
