Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Randomize
