Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
