This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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