Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
