Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
