People with herpes should wear stickers.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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