its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
