the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Someone signed my nipple.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
