just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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