Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
