We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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