Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
