take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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