I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
