If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
