Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
