I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
