I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
