jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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