Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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