forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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