I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
