I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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