i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can I color on your dick again?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
