Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
