lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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