his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
