I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
