you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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