mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
