my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
