Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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